The shower – that’s where it all started. Where I would sing only for myself to hear. The pitchy high notes and attempted runs (away from the melody) would echo and I thought I sang quite decently (not real).
At 10, I joined the children’s church choir and learnt to sing from my stomach, not my throat. My first and only form of vocal coaching to date. Other than that, I’ve never been picked to sing or dance with the leaders on stage or even to do the song slides (which I’ve somehow always always wanted to do).
At 11, I led worship for the first time, shockingly nervous as a first timer in a cell of more than 20 people, I guess it didn't go very well. My cell leader told me that she will let me do ice breaker next time. I okayed her but never got my turn.
At 15, He showed me something.
It was dark where I stood. The different colours in the spotlights and smoke made it hard to make out my surroundings. The bass and drum beats rang in my ear, I felt each beat in my chest. Looking past the crowds around me with their hands lifted straight up, I saw the silhouette of a band on stage. To my left and right I heard some voices I recognized. I looked around and many of them were people I knew. It clicked when I caught a glimpse of the expression on their faces – the ones I usually see in church. Worship concert, a massive one.
He stood next to me when I realized that. He smiled and showed me the rest of the arena that was soaked in Worship. I could drown, or melt, into His arms as I took in the thickness of His Presence. I wanted to stay there forever in Worship.
He looked at me and raised His eyebrow slightly, as if asking me “Do you want this?”
“YES”, I nod.
He nods back, smiles again and looks away. I guess Jesus doesn’t need to say much sometimes.
I opened my eyes, my hands were half lifted. I looked around again, normal people singing normal worship songs in normal lighting at a normal hall. That was it, 10 seconds with Him in that worship ignited a spark in my heart. I need to sing, worship.
Years later, at 20, I served in a worship ministry for the first time, at OCF Melbourne Uni. The same moment of realization I had when I was15 came in Easter Camp ’11 during center sharing time. I was shaking from nervousness when I strummed the first chord. I cleared my throat as I sang.
“I will live to love you, I will live to bring you praise”
The OCF-ers followed my lead almost immediately, singing loudly from the bottom of their hearts. I could tell from the expression on their faces. Eventhough it was loud, everything suddenly became silent in my ears for a few moments. In the first moment I was expecting to hear His Voice, but there was nothing. I closed my eyes to hold in the nerves in the second moment, and I saw the same gentle smile that Jesus gave me after my “YES” when I was 15. Then it felt right, completely right. I just need to sing, worship.
We ended in prayer.
"And 'til I see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you"
That was it.
**********
When I joined worship in OCF Melbourne Uni, they asked me why. I said that I can’t help being drawn to wherever there is a worship atmosphere, and I want to be part of the ministry that leads others to experience God’s Presence through that – even if I’m just doing the song slides. They told me that they could see it. And for the two seconds that follow I wonder how they ‘see it’, because I can ‘see it’ in the other worship leaders but I don’t ‘see’ the same things in myself. But I take it anyway, “Thank you”.
Thank you, OCF Melbourne Uni and your leaders who serve wholeheartedly, especially the committee and cell leaders in 2010 because you chose my batch of leaders and groomed us. I became sure of my heart for worship because I was blessed to serve in OCF.
Yesterday I sort of messed up my auditions for the church worship team. I thought I was auditioning for the main team, but it turns out that everyone starts in the choir. I don’t want to “start in the choir”, I am sure of where I want to be and why I want to serve. Pride.
And so, I am humbled because I didn’t sing well, my timing was off, and I couldn’t catch the harmonies. Now, I don’t know if I’ll even get into the choir.
But God is the Master worship leader; me, a mere shower singer. Of course I will go where He takes me. Why? Because someone I want to serve in worship – even if I’m just doing the song slides.
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